The Red Pill Comes as a One Way Train.
One week ago I quit my job and left Long Island. I packed my big backpack with the bare essentials – clothes, notebooks, computer, blanket, cologne, vibrator, and testosterone. Leaving behind all remnants of jewelry and furniture. I discover the best day bag – a red athletic pouch from the Women’s New England Wrestling tournament I attended at 15 years old. With no zipper, I crafted a rain cover out of a plastic bag and duck tape. ☺ Yay for recycling! After my last shift at the Gap, I ran to the train station, grabbed my bag, and left LI for the last time. I hope not to return except for brief family visits.
What spurred this? Well, I had the last round of extreme anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and cutting I could take. I was moving nowhere and the pain I felt was overwhelming and… completely unnecessary! Although I lived in a comfortable and extravagant home with ample time to pursue alternative jobs, I felt completely paralyzed and consumed by mental exhaustion. I was mean, bitter, and resentful.
When I think about it the same situation happened after I returned home after college and hospital. I spent 7 months doing close to nothing except brewing in my own fears, doubts, and uncertainties. During the brief moments I did leave home, self hatred and doubt rose like a tidal wave. This has happened EVERY time I visited NYC in the past 6 months. I know I have been so close to happiness and confidence with the best people around me, but every time I’m close to it darkness devours me. I know I’m capable of having another life, for outside of these time spans I generally am a more productive and positive person.
Why!? Is it the excessive family presence (even if it’s just a space)? Is it a paralyzing guilt or a numbing comfort from my upper class lifestyle? Is it fear of failure? I may never know.
Since I refuse to let this situation continue escalating any further and fear returning to the hospital, I called a friend. We talked and by the end I was ready to make a change.
So one week ago I got on a one-way train towards mental freedom. Although I haven’t solved all my problems, and am still unsure where I am going, I am moving! I am happier! I feel like I have control over my life again. Darkness has visited me this week, but it’s power is weaker and I am stronger.
It is a tremendous privilege for me to escape the demons of my life like this. So I dare myself to dream bigger, be happier, love better, and work harder!