If I was on an island, would I still go on Testosterone?
Why the discomfort?
It is an impossible question to answer! It feels unfair that I should be asked to answer such a fantasy driven question, when others are not asked to imagine such possibilities in daily encounters. Coming from my brother if felt like an attempt to undermine and minimize my life’s experience by trying to rationalize it away (admitting I cannot know what was really on his mind). Just to say, my brother is very supportive and trying to understand, but I still feel these dynamics creeping up.
It’s a trick on both ends. If I say No to the question, it’s an opportunity for people to think my actions in this world are reactionary and fleeting. In other words, my choice becomes unnatural, for if it would not happen in that pure environment than it’s not fundamentally part of being human. On the flip side, if I say yes, I fear the person will not believe me. The idea of taking hormones when I am alone on an island, an experience available BECAUSE of the technical expansions of the modern day, feels too nonsensical to take seriously. Not because of the lack of feeling, but because of the lack of practicality. Therefore saying Yes, makes me feel whimsical.
So what’s my answer?
Ha! Ya, no… still impossible. I will answer with some LEANINGS though. 😛
I would experience my body with less judgment. In this solitary island world, there would be no other human expectations or understandings to oppose my own. I would not internalize negative views that feed self-hatred, nor experience anxiety around fitting in. I would most likely be pretty distracted by what I need to do to survive and thrive on that island.
The emotions and “magic” I experience today, would be no different there, except I would experience them as just what is. It would be a non-issue because those feelings would not threaten my survival on that island. I would not be constantly defined by a falsehood. They would be the least of my worries. I would simply make the best of life.
Now… if a fairy shared with me the location of a magical well that held the ability to transform my physical self. I think I might go to great lengths to find it. Of course I would not understand this change as anything to do with gender. Nor would I question the naturalness or realness of such a change. It would just be my life.