Added some hormones to my life today! T Day.

I woke up this morning to a new day! It had snowed and the ground was covered with white fluff. The first flurry that hadn’t melted upon immediate contact with the ground. It felt appropriate for this to be my day. My day I would start taking T.

My initial blood work appointment with the endocrinologist had not blown my mind. The man seemed a little traditional binary around transition and he wasn’t very responsive or patient to my questions. Also, when I looked at my T script I noticed my 2 week dosage was above the upper end of the spectrum. It was: 300mg. What!? Of course, I had been concerned about this. (range from 30mg to 250mg tops). The receptionist who called me to confirm this apt had used me my birth name, not helping my hesitation towards this place, but I wanted the T!

I left a bit early to make sure I made it on time. I was very excited, but had these questions rolling around in my head, worried how the interactions would go.

I signed in and waited a few minutes before heading in with the doctor. Four things sat comfortably in my bag: Testosterone, Syringes, Journal, and Book. The doctor had a much more friendly air this time. He sat down and explained to me some of the effects I could expect. I could not stop smiling as he rattled off the list. I must have looked like a cartoon character. If you had slapped me I probably would’ve still been smiling.

We reviewed my blood work and eventually chatted about the dosage. He told me he had written the script like that so I could get the larger (cheaper) bottle of T, especially since I don’t have insurance. (I got a 10mL bottle with syringes from Walgreens for $100. It should last me 5 months.) Whew! I wish he had told me that at the first meeting, rather than assuming I wouldn’t read. I started this shot today with 100 mg, but plan to go up to 150 and maybe 200 in the future.

I gave him the note from my therapist that pretty much diagnoses me with “gender identity disorder.” This is not something I’m comfortable with in any way shape or form, but it’s how the system works. So I gave him the letter.

Finally I got to sit up on the patient chair. He took my blood pressure (a process that never fails to remind me of the hospital where they read my numbers every day). He then asks me: “So where do you want to inject? There’s the upper part of the gluteus (he points to his ass), the thigh, and the arm, but no one really does that.”

I chose the thigh. So I can see the whole thing. I grab my T and syringe from the bag and place it on the square metal doctor’s table. Up to this point I’d been thinking: So when do I take off my pants? That is going to be uncomfortable.

Eventually I unbuckle and zip, showing off my thigh and bulge (I was a bit self conscious about wearing my packer esp b/c my doctor is a man and for me that’s harder). It was awkward… and then I got over it. I had to stick myself with a needle, focus was required! We go over how to pull out the T (a very thick and clear liquid that made me think of semen, too clear through). I then wipe a spot with an alcohol swap, he gives me the needle and says just go in half way and inject slowly.

I look at him with a trepid face. Really!? Just like that. Just stick this pointed metal tip into my thigh. Should I do it slow or fast? What if I bleed? I half expected my body to rip open with a huge gash and then get sucked down into the dungeons of hell.

I hesitate and feel weird about this man I don’t know watching me. If I was with a friend I would have probably run around the room like a chicken a few times.

Eventually my hand came down. It was like cutting through butter and I enjoyed watching myself inject the liquid. I took my dear old time!

For the rest of the day I’ve felt so at peace and positively giddy. I’m not afraid of changing my mind any more. I’ve had a million and one opportunities to not go today. Including almost forgetting my T bottle, and messing up the directions twice. I still made it there though and I didn’t fall into any deep cavern either.

I don’t feel anything yet, but I’m finally going to grow up! I’ve been waiting for a long time, and I don’t think I realized how much I had been waiting and expecting for the changes to happen on their own until today. YAY!