10 Reasons Why I’m Excited to Start T!
I’m starting T in 5 days.
Yes! So excited to move on to my next step of transition, or what I think of as revealing. I’m gonna focus on the positive today. Here are the top 10 things I am excited for.
1. Voice drop! Its been subconsciously dropping since high school. Now when I sing I imagine my voice as male, feeling I am singing falsetto when I am well below my upper range. Even so, this change is one of the hardest because singing is one of my main survival mechanisms and sources of pride. I feel grief about losing this friend, however, my discomfort and inability to relate to my own voice persists, and the change is needed.
2. Hair. I love hair!! I’m not sure if I will truly want to be as hairy as the men in my family (seriously beasts!), along with the extensive hair loss, but nothing’s perfect and I will love all of me. It bites into my vanity, prob a good thing.
3. Increased sex drive. Ya, this is gonna be great! Enjoying sex is hard for me, caused by the combination of history of sexual assault, along with severe dysphoria about my body. I hope T will help me open up to my own pleasure even more (ive gotten pretty good at masturbating, and that is an achievement for me!). This may not be fun if I don’t have anyone to fuck around with. ;P I don’t think my never ending straight boy crushes can continue in a healthy way.
4. Clit growth. Ya, what can I say. I want my mini clit dick so my magic can have a firmer handle to hold on to. For those of you who say I can never have a dick – FUCK YOU! – You don’t even know.
5. More muscle. Yes I want to be stronger ☺
6. Smaller boobs. This will be awesome possum. Maybe it won’t hurt as much to bind! I haven’t decided yet if I want to get top surgery. The effects on my chest may be a significant factor in this decision.
7. Increased confidence and decreased anxiety/dysphoria. I don’t expect it all to go away and I need more than my body to change to be confident. Yet, I know this piece is central and I’m thrilled. Woot Woot!
8. Looking in the mirror with a much bigger smile. Not just because of the physical changes I hope to see, but the ability to look myself in the eye without fear and hate. I am no longer letting society dictate my life. I am doing this for me, and nothing else has ever felt so empowering. I don’t fear my own judgment any more.
9. Waking up to scruff. Feeling the magic in a whole new way – tactile!
10. Sharing and being recognized as my true self. With those I love, this may give me an opportunity to share my magic with them in a way they can understand. As people I love, this will be an awesome experience. Alternatively, I am tired of fighting every day and every second to hold onto my magic and asserting my existence. I am tired of fearing my own mirror. I am tired of being misunderstood and feeling unable to say a word. Speaking often requiring a Trans 101 course, which opens me up to judgment and even violence. I want to be happy.
Taking hormones may appear radical, but it does not feel that way to me. In a way, it’s one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made.
What is this magic? They are my experiences that cannot be so clearly quantified and diagramed within our society’s understanding of reality. For example: My body is magical because it’s not recognized as a real male body by most. I am trying to express a component of human experience ignored, and often rejected as mentally disturbed. Instead this magic is a truly honest human perspective that must be recognized and respected. Magic is not limited to my experiences as a transgender person, but can be associated with many supposedly “abnormal” human perspectives (more on that later).
My inner voice is riding strong at the moment. So expect more writing soon.
Holler at me people! If you got any advice on how to connect better into the online community I’d love to hear from you, please!