Settling In 2 a Changed Reality.
Wow. Sorry y’all I haven’t posted in a while. Here’s a song to make up for the absence: Tupac “Changes”
Nothing deep or poetic today – just an update.
I spent Thanksgiving with LOTS of family. Many of my siblings and many cousins were in town. Everyone has trickled out at this point except my brother and his girlfriend Holly. I am out to everyone in my immediate family as trans and they were all calling me Ollie (which is really wonderful). I want to be referred to as “he” as well, but it didn’t feel like the right moment. Generally, I feel incredibly blessed to have such a supportive family. I worry about what will happen on the day when I move forward on physical transition and pronoun change – but let’s cross that bridge when we get there. I find it difficult to talk about my gender with them. I often end up feeling defensive and a teacher of some sorts. Many arguments were made to me why I should be weary of surgery and hormones (“it hasn’t been long enough” “what if you regret it”). The general response in my family is respect for my decisions and desires, but I wouldn’t say I get encouragement.
Thanksgiving itself was fun, but hard. Almost all my male cousins have beards (making me incredibly jealous and just sad). I found myself avoiding the all female groups and excited to grab a cigarette. I enjoyed a game of pool, only to disappear to be by myself. Generally I just didn’t feel right in myself, nor seen by this group of people. A high achieving group, I tend to dwell on my own disappointed ambitions. I wonder what next year will bring…
Since the deluge of family returned to the ocean, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about physical transition. I’m so ready to move forward and feel incapable of doing so with this body. I had only seriously considered top surgery (requiring a year of therapy – yay for LI 2013), but hormones are now entering the realm of possibility. My therapist said he was worried I might be avoiding it because of fear, that I could present more androgynous but that may not be what I want. Ha… I think he might have hit the nail on the head. I definitely feel male, not androgynous. There are a lot of reasons I am nervous and afraid of testosterone, but it’s something I could do NOW. That makes me more antsy about the decision, especially since my social dysphoria is getting worse. The “she” pronoun always waiting to pounce on my psyche and confidence. Sometimes it likes to come in a 4/5 punch combo.
Good news! I got a part time seasonal job at the Gap. Yay. People are nice and work’s not too stressful (just a bit boring). It does not pay as well as I’d like, but I’m glad to be making some more consistent income and take a bit of the job hunt pressure off – at least for the moment. Although realizing that coworkers think I’m 18, when I’m 25, does not help when I generally feel behind the curve (meaning my life feels generally undeveloped – career path is near nonexistent, social life lives online, romance near impossible, and just surviving the day feels a success, and oh ya – I’m still awaiting puberty). Are you fucking serious!
Ok, my attempt to keep a lid on the self hate here is not working. I just can’t help but think about how awesome my life would be if I could stay (and really be) that bad-ass woman. She was so much more impressive than I actually am. Everyday when I wake up I hope she’ll return whole, but she never does and I don’t think she ever will because she never really was except for in my imagination. An actor is never as good as the live version.
I promise a more interesting post later this week. In the mean time check out this website: Transe-Generation: Web Comic & Community