Yearbooks and Hurricane Sandy.
Time for an an Ollie Update!
Hurricane Sandy pummeled the coast with me hidden at home with candles. The continued lack of understanding and control over my fluctuations between self hatred and excitement for life, is becoming more exhausting and painful. I’m seriously just sick of it. I want to live my life and I am over all this bullshit, and am furious that sometimes it seems to be winning.
As the storm raged, I flipped through year books from my first 2 years at boarding school. Not looking much at the pictures, I chose to read the notes. What I found made my eyes burn, fury build, and regret to rise up to new heights. The notes talked about my laughter, singing, and wrestling that was respected. They talked about bonds made in the dorms and classrooms. They shared secret compliments and inside jokes. They provided emails and sent love.
As I read I just wondered… Who are they talking that? I hadn’t remembered this person; nor the happiness and love in their life. I was 8th-9thgrade, and this school was my fifth. So used to moving on, I never realized and barely remembered how good I had it. Two years were not long enough for me to trust.
At the end of my reading, I found myself completely lost and I cut my legs for the first time in months. I had been punching walls quite a bit, but recently got a punching bag for my at home gym that has helped to quash this habit. I’m still furious I cut though, and even more furious that that dark place is still inside me. When will it consume me next? I live in fear of these moments now, when the fear and pain are so bad that life no longer feels worth living.
The last few days I’ve made some positive strides to combat these forces attempting to pull me back down. I have run now 3 days in a row and am determined to keep it up. It feels wonderful and funny to realize what I think about when running: two men from HS, a desire to show up the HS wrestling team, and the dream future I am so determined to have. The only negative part of running is that I can feel my boobs bouncing around causing anxiety to plague me. I am becoming more and more certain that I want top surgery, and I might want it soon.
Still no job and very frustrated about it. The electrical break down of LI is slowing down my progress in this area. As soon as possible, I am heading to the mall for seasonal jobs in the department stores. Fingers crossed!!!
In general working extra hard to keep my mood, strength, and confidence up since storm night. No one can give it to me, but myself. That’s why I am here at home, because I can’t be distracted by the needs of others, unless chosen. I’m reminding myself to be patient (not my strong suit), because life is a journey and I can’t have everything at once.