Night Time Blues – Pussy of the Week

I’ve had a few annoying experiences I gotta get off my chest.

The first was when I was hanging out with a cousin (who I came out to as trans earlier in the evening) and his girlfriend. We were watching a late night entertainment show which was all fine, until something popped up on the screen saying “Pussy of the week!”, the subsequent video was of a transitioned transguy who stripped off his clothes and the screen touted a huge red area pointing to his vagina. My cousin’s gf responded with sounds of disgust (the encouraged response for such an introduction), and I could tell my cousin felt a bit awkward but he still made a small noise of agreement. Although to his credit he did call me Ollie when I left. I haven’t been able to get this scene out of my head for the last few days. I don’t think I need to explain why this might be incredibly bad for a newly out transguy to see.

I continue to not pass in public, my name being distorted into Holly, and tauntings from men on the street with kissy noises and supposed compliments. Are they mocking me? I really thought dressing as a guy would make these occurrences stop, but for some reason they continue. I’m sick of the sexism! Or is it transphobia? It really throws off my gender groove.

The last was a conversation I had with my half-sister when I came out to her. She kind of freaked out a bit about my thinking about physical transition. She said it just wasn’t natural and some things are just fate (meaning my body). She said I wasn’t ready to make such a decision at 24. She said that she was just telling me what everyone else would be thinking. She said she would support me no matter what I do.

I want to be patient, but for some reason I’m supposed to be fearless and bullet proof, able to take all this fear and hatred on top of my own. It makes me feel isolated. I don’t want my life to be a political statement or a constant educational lesson. I just want to dance with a lover in a body I can connect to.

On a light note… I really connect to the Curt character on Glee and he’s also kind of cute, along with the new Jake character 😉

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