Coming Out and Accepting My Fate.
Coming Out. After a year of healing, I’ve returned to my own reality – people and ambitions for work. To say the least I was/am absolutely TERRIFIED. I have no desire to hide anymore. So this means coming out. So in the past two weeks I’ve come out 7 times – family, friends, lovers.
WOW! Let me just say that I am incredibly humbled, grateful and strengthened by each of them. They have been nothing but supportive and loving. With them in my life I feel I can do and be anything. It’s also just wonderful to sit down with someone I’ve known for years, and for the first time feel able to be myself. The joy is overwhelming. I find myself giddy, on a high. The two most unexpected – Dad and lover – even asked me about physical transition. Often feeling like a taboo, scary, and sensationalized topic, their casual conversation let me breathe more freely (the possibility a shiny medallion). Thank you!
I’ve also realized how much coming out has been harder for me than any of these people i’m coming out to. It’s empowering, but I still have lots to work through. I am still very much not liking being trans. Things are bugging me, or I am realizing some unnerving desires
• BEING VULNERABLE! I need help. Life feels overwhelming: dancing, meeting new friends, applying to jobs, getting dressed, oh ya and dating! Everyone struggles with these, but being trans adds on unique challenges and I didn’t get the privilege of exploring in my teen years any more or have tons of easy to find role models. I really don’t like asking for help. I’m used to relying on only one person – ME. But I’m having to reach out and feel vulnerable.
• HATE ME! I want confrontation. I want someone to hate me. I think I want this because I want the struggle I feel in my head, the self hatred, to be more real. Something I can touch, quantify. Someone I can blame. Instead, I’m still my own worst enemy. There’s probably no insult or question anyone can ask me I haven’t asked myself. This kind of struggle is also depressing because it’s invisible to everyone else and near impossible to explain without feeling like you’re inviting people to a pity party. wah wah wah (on a descending scale)
• BODY DYSPHORIA! Constant pain and anxiety. The discomfort of not belonging in your own body is not an experience I wish for anyone.
Coming out is going to be a life long reality, but I’m off to a good start despite the challenges. There are good people in the universe!